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10 March 2016 @ 14:09
Sorry I have not written an entry or made any comments to peoples journals as basically some part of my mind has broken down, I am sad and no motivation for much.
Its a struggle to be happy or even smile so i thing it's safe to say the anxieties have all cashed in that i have a depression cloud over me. Mood swings have gone out of control and feel so bad Chris is struggling to cope with me which is scary as I dont want to loose him but i am unable to control myself right now ;_;

Finally local doctors here have registered me so able to keep my trail raised dose of medication and have an apportionment for the end of this month. I should be going home to work at the sweet shop next week so having work to do and hopefully meet some of my friends will put me in better spirits.
Also be in my mums house where its not a building site or have neighbours who constantly watch my every move if I dare go into my garden and try and do any gardening. Or neighbours who tip over pots and recycling bins or throw food or have screaming matches at night.

Job hunting still continues.
Had a trial shift as housekeeping staff for a inn - not for me I think. Its a lot of work but having to scrub tiled bathroom floors on my hands and knees - my knees misalignment did not appreciate that! Also the other two woman constantly talked abother another girl on trail they liked so yeah i get it I am not wanted that was 3 hours of hard work wasted.

I did got on a historical Viking Tour last week (well been on it twice then with drinks at pub)

I even got in a few photos. "Can you guys look interested in the window" was what the photographer wanted.
This is me (wearing a ton of layers!) with Halfdan and Igamund.

This is the local Viking group I am looking at joining (to give me something to do and make friends) Igamund and his mother are the leaders so have to see if they allow me to join but I have the vote of at least two others (am sure 4 from future brother in law and one of the women wanting me as her apprentice/helper)

I have not picked a Viking name yet until I am accepted but need to make my clothes which luckily is just the basics as I have to start as a Thrall (Slave) but another guy is joining so he will be a Thrall as well.
Hopefully I can be accepted as will give me something to do as well as doing my own research into natural dying so dont get my colours wrong (No black for my status!)

So far now it's curl up on Sofa watch Game of Thrones Season 5 (as I am so behind) with Satu who had been poorly.
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
Current Music: Tonight - The 69 Eyes
19 February 2016 @ 16:36
Okay trying to keep calm and not think about the TV Licence people now we have a year's one.

I was hoping for a transfer as there seem to be two/three positions at white stuff going to be open. Sadly this is a no ;_; Maternity Leave woman came back and other guy has changed mind leaving. Only position open I am not qualified for no do I want which is Assistant Store Manager.
They have me on file still but damm I wanna go back D: Been there nearly 3 years!

So been job hunting well trying to everywhere seems to mostly be offering 4 hours or Weekend positions and I already have got 3 weekend commitments lined up. I am trying to avoid going back to catering and stick with retail.
I applied at
Lush for part time sale assistant - rejected as i was not available enough (Monday 9-5 i oput done what they should of advertised was weekend staff) said i can apply again at Xmas.
Joules 4 Hour Sales Assistant - Left CV but they are looking more for weekends.
Jack Willis 4 Hour Weekday Sales Assistant - heard nothing back
Hotel Chocolat - Supervisor for Maternity Cover - despite running my own confectionry business and helping 2 others the fact I have not been "supervisor" before seems to hint a no.
New Look Supervisor/Part Time Sales - I applied for both and had interview on Tuesday. She was super impressed I worked at White Stuff. I just hope i did not seem to arrogant about my past work experiences or my health put against me (though she said she could never guess I have that many joint problems - bonus)

I missed application for a Alternative shop called Sohos. East although I know they are good company I donot think I will be suitable for their customers (lip piercings). Another clothing shop looks too poser-trendy for me and their techno music at front door is off putting but may as well try. Wilkos are looking fro staff but I donot drive ><
I am going to ask in Waterstones although they are not recruiting worth a try. Seasonal workers will soon be needed for Chester Zoo.

So being trapped in the new house I am loosing the will to clean everyday as it only just gets messy after Chris' walks in (my pc is covered in another layer of sawdust again though his next to mine is clean!!). I dont know what he wants to do with front bedroom as its half papered with lining paper which we ran out of and if i seem to try anything get told off. (he wants to do everything himself then moans he is doing it all himself)
I cannot wash the Sofa blankets that are covered in sawdust as have no washing machine ><

So frustation was taken out in the garden, some plants have been uprooted and trimmed. Others have had weed (brambles!) and tree stump killer on (loads of mini trees are growing some i need help cutting down) Ivy torn down.
Then front garden needs do slight trim to one plant i may just did up. And the bushes. Well one only half has had 3 foot taken off as i ran out of space in my green recycling bin :S But the front bushes are from a plant that really does grow quickly so a brutal cut will not hurt it plus allows us to actually have sun in the front garden.

Not that our neighbour seemed happy, noticed she seems to be hanging in her "garden" when I did the back then stand in the front door as I did the front.
She is annoyed I keep removing her food for the birds off the roof of OUR property. i tried asking her not to but she said she had been doing it for years so will carry on as the previous owners didnot mind.
Maybe previous owners did but didnot want to say anything as all you hear from that house is swearing banging and screaming -_-
I really doubt that birds eat egg shells, rib bones, lamb bones or ciggeratte butts. Plus sure bread, pastas, sugar cereal (with milk), nan bread and pieces of left over lasagne are not good for them.

Yes happy for birds in the garden and they can feed them but not by littering our property.
esp when their throwing has resulted on me slipping twice on whole slices of toast.
Wet Bread + Concrete + Girl with two problem hips and dodgy knee = not good
17 February 2016 @ 15:40
Yesterday after writing my post there was a knock on the front door, now only visitors we have had that knock have been Chris' father dropping off more wood and the postman.
Opened the door and a guy on the doorstep asked for the previous owner. I said that she didnt live here anymore assuming by the way he was dressed was a misinformed acquaintance.

At that point he pulled out his card saying he was from TV licensing and that by his records our house has just fallen off the radar of having a license and asked for my name and did I have one. I explained Chris' had a license for his last house and may be pending transfer, though he asked for the address I said I genuinely didnot know it but could give him rough directions as I have only just arrived in this area.
At this point the man started reading me my rights and showed me a piece of paper informing me that I have violated Communications Act 2003 (not which section) and asked to inspect the TV and do a channel test to show what we where receiving. What do I watch, how long have I been watching (the living room was only finished 2 weeks ago) how long have I been at the property (just over 3 weeks) did I rent my television (never knew you could rent a tv!)
He then asked for personal details, occupation (currently non ;-;) and National Insurance Number I said that I did not have it in this house (true forgot and left in mums safe) had to sign to say I have received a caution and the evidence I have provided can be used against me then a copy of the paperwork informing strongly that based from the 'interview' I may be prosecuted even if I did have a mislaid licence. He then congratulated me on my recent new home and good luck as he left.

Of course me having Acute Anxiety and having NEVER been in trouble that could lead to court action - I burst into tears after he left and phoned Chris and my mother.

Chris still had two months left on his TV Licence just he has not moved the address yet as obviously having just moved in we have ALOT of other things on our minds. As soon as he got home he brought a new licence for this house and will try phoning the number on the letter again.
Mum trying to comfort me says that it should be clear we have moved in from inspection and I should not get a punishment if he was looking originally for the previous owner and that we live near a really rough area that must have to do spot inspections and be heavy handed from those evading paying. She has never heard of a spot inspection as open letters get sent to the home as a reminder several times until you phone (I got them at my retail business address as well).
Chris can only recall ONE letter but it was addressed to the previous owner so did not open it.

But gawd I was dressed really scruffy as I had just put layers of warm clothes on after dressing for an interview and the heating is dire in the house, saying I didnt have a job no NI card to hand, not knowing partners previous address or saying he was able to be contacted and a 'foreign name' .... I am so going to be targeted D:

I am really really panicking over this my anxiety is making me sick to my stomach, cold chills palpitations unable to breathe.
I donot want a criminal record or I won't be able to travel to some countries and have to declare at jobs which means less likely getting one :( I dont have any money to pay for court either other than my savings for the wedding :(
Tags: ,
Current Mood: extremely upset
16 February 2016 @ 15:42

Hello all I am back with internet access! :D
It has been nearly 1 month since moved into the new house.
First 2 weeks living room was a building site now its moved into the 'art room' and main bedroom. 2 weeks without a fridge&freezer is terrible btw. Internet was installed last Thursday but my computer wasnot connected until Friday by then I had gone home for a weekend visit to Mum.

Mostly to enjoy the luxuries I am used to be donot currently have a washing machine, tumble dryer and electric shower!! Even dishwasher, toaster and mircowave was a cause for happiness!

As i said before the house needs quite a bit of work and decorating, scratch that to ALOT as uncovering more things as we go on. We have windows that donot open as the double grazed lock mechanism is broken so shower/baths turn the bathroom into a Sauna and kitchen window.
Other windows are dodgy and was not on the surveyors report.

Chris is currently making me more kitchen cupboards as we have no space in our tiny kitchen. The living room has been decorated with new door frame and skirting boards, just still no door so still cold ¬_¬
Our main bedroom (as we have moved into 'spare/dan's' room) is currently underway stripped the wall half wallpapered and I measured for skirting boards this morning. We have had to put anti mould down as looks like the windows where not sealed correctly so the room is strangely and worryingly damp despite passing the inspection :S We are still planning on building the bed with inbuilt wardrobes as the room is smaller than we remembered.

My settling in is based on Satu. Who was not happy during the first week of building. Last week she was getting on very well until I went away fro the weekend and Chris' brother came over with the kids to stay.
She hid until the boys where asleep then went to glare at them and Dan. Sunday morning she had somehow found her pet carrier and climbed in it as a 'Right I am done take me to mum'. Satu has cheered up when I arrived back Sunday evening and keeps coming to check I am still here.
This morning carried her around the garden to introduce her to it as she has two more weeks of confinement. Trembling with fear :( I feel like such a bad furbaby parent.
Her brother Logan when I returned to mum had just come in from a fight with three bad bite wounds on his head and ear; naturally all Friday night he lay next to me with "I have a headache" kinda deal.

Lots of other things to say like Job Hunting (transfer didnot happen ;_; ) neighbours, Chris' family, my plans of gardening, Viking group and my interior design plans ;D

So I'll be back to rant ;p
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Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
22 January 2016 @ 22:07

Tomorrow is moving day!
Everything is boxed and bagged up all that is left is me and Satu (as long as she does not do a vanishing act), Logan is staying with Nana
So be a pause in activity until internet is running at my new home :D

Exciting and scary!
Last day of clothes shop work my work mates gave me a big send off with cards and 3 GIANT cushions omg I can build a fort :O Gonna miss all the ladies I have been there two years.

Right on to new adventures!
Current Location: Middle of England
Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic
Current Music: Windbringer - The Cruxshadows
19 January 2016 @ 21:52

Today was my last day working in the sweet shop.
As I am not moving on to any other sweet shop my 8 years of working in Sweet Shops and Owning one has come to an end .. well for now at least.
I have a stupid crazy passion for confectionery and if I ever did have the money again I would open another retail shop for sweeties again or if lottery win get my pipe dream business idea I have had for years and even have the business plan drawn up :D

Am going to miss it working with sweets ;_;

BTW when I say owned a shop I mean a proper retail premises not an internet shop, best achievement :) Sugar Cane crazy photos - the above picture is my crappy promotion that our white chocolate ducklings where back in stock for Easter ;P

Still packing up ready for my move and now found out why they say moving is one of the most stressful things. How much is bloody costs to hire a man with a van!
Seriously my stuff would not even fill a transit van - one company refused rudely and put the phone down another company wanted to come over to look at my stuff so had to dash home from work yesterday pile everything up to then be told it would be £350!
I can hire my own van at £60 and drive myself if only I could drive! >-<

Chris and his father where going to drive down here to pick me and the cat up after the removal man dropped my stuff off but with the costs, Chris has very kindly just hired a van and sweet talked his father into driving it.
Chris can drive but he has not driven as far away as where I am from his so I did not want him to drive alone for his own safety.

I feel so bad to be a burden but I cannot drive and have no family members or friends around here to do so. Mum's car can barely make it off the drive let alone attempt 130 miles and back! (plus she is covering at work for someone on holiday so going to miss her ;-;)

I am having terrible anxiety about leaving my mum on her own. I am a huge worry wort.
17 January 2016 @ 22:10
Friday Chris got the keys to OUR HOUSE :D
I have just gotten home after spending the weekend in our new home, all his stuff is now moved in so I am next (and his brother who is still dunno what he is doing)
We started cooking a meal before we realised we had not yet found the knifes and forks doh We found the kettle but not my tea bags so first thing i did getting home was making a tea!

The house needs quite a bit of work and decorating.
We knew the woman was a hippie and wanted the house to go to a 'family' so that is why she offered a discount on the price. Will need more money and elbow work to get things sorted to our tastes; already I am pointing out what I want altering/fixing/adding on or getting rid of.

+ The loft hatch is oddly in the tiny bathroom not in the hallway. Chris Snr has brought boards over to get laid down and make a need hatch.
+ Under the stairs is a sudden drop and where the gas meter is hidden and it hoots like a barn owl! Seriously I was alone for over an hour convinced there was a owl trapped somewhere as I can hear it in the kitchen and downstairs hall. We don't know if it is a good thing so will have to wait for a visit from the boiler man when he does the readings.
+ The toilet actually is smaller than I remembered from my visit, may have to get eco-sink and toilet combo than a mini sink. Hand sanitiser is in there for now and a run across the hallway to the sink.
+ The house is freezing! Maybe as not that much furniture in yet plus some of the doors are hung oddly so need draft excluders
+ there are 4 blocked up fireplaces, I want a stove, found one on saturday with Chris and Chris Snr going around reclamation yards. heat and fire!! <3
+ Kitchen tiny omg not used to kitchen this small and no cupboard space. I have already planned and drawn up my extension plans and units with 3 hours of being in the house LMAO!
+ I am on paid leave from work after this week so a lot of my time is going to be cleaning, mould in the bedroom corners and windows, dirty walls and two rooms smell very very strongly of cat piss (she had two indoor cats and kept litter-trays on carpeted areas which may mean new carpets). Chris is going to try and clean what he can this week so Satu does not freak out this weekend from other cat smells.
+ The front and back garden are really big and it's too cold but soon at the weather warms up I am going at it with an axe. Jungle areas with random crap she has left (her archery practise stuff, tacky garden ornaments and butterflies) Butterflies we are finding everywhere omg too girlie for me D:

WE BROKE THE BED!! She left two bed frames in the two main rooms so we set up camp put on the nice wooden one; Chris jumped into bed and bang the bed broke. (we have already broken a hotel bed in another way :X) We are going to build a bed frame but do not have the funds yet to get the oak needed so mattress on the floor for a bit :(

Final week in this house and at both my jobs.
Not heard about my transfer but i did enquire about two job posters we saw (out of the six) just incase. Gotta find out where the adult goths and metalheads we see hang out and got to contact John about joining the Viking group. Also ask Alan and Vicky I met at reenacment group day to meet up for that drink; they like Finnish Metal music and they reenact WW2 Finland and have a very friendly Rottie Reggie :D

busy busy!!!

will writer more with the new life start!
Tomorrow it's my middle nieces birthday and future youngest nephew :D (19 years difference). A friend and Ex boyfriend birthdays plus 1 year of me and Chris officially getting together :O
Current Mood: nervous and excited
06 January 2016 @ 20:09
Done a touch more packing, Chris has told me not too as he has signed no paperwork so the house is not finalised so could collapse at any moment but as he cashed the deposit in today I personally think we are to far in for it to all break down.
Plus he is currently 'homeless' all his stuff is in boxes and taking turns to sleep on sofas with his brother at their Dad's whilst waiting for the house.

I am packing as heh my anxiety urges me that I need to be prepared and ready to go, plus boxing up bits in sections is making the task less intimidating and the thought of moving far away from my known life less scary.
So far half my shoes,cds,dvds, art supplies and majority of my clothes. All my kitchen stuff. Books I still need suitable boxes for and then all my miscellaneous junk collections/bath-beauty/health things etc.
Last things for the day will also be kitty stuff and computer. Poor Satu her world is going to be turned upside down as well - but if she does not settle she gets to come back here.

Trying to curb the anxiety from destructive trich I am back to keeping my mind occupied by my latests internet addictions. An online SIM style game, Etsy and Pintrest.
I will have to do a window shop post from Etsy as that is mostly what I do as well as having my own little play at making Treasury lists (did a major cut yesterday only have 3 active public ones left)

I like having a creative play even if it is for my eyes only type things. One of them for a short while has been mood / inspiration boards.
This all started when I was kicked out the stockroom in the clothes shop from the last manager and given the shittest job and treatment in a way to force me to quit. So by the front of the shop basically as a greeter. The clothes company I work for we always have new packages of clothing themes and styles approve 1 a month, we aim for "interesting".
At the time a collection/package called "Tea Ceremony" had just been released meant to be based on the traditional Japanese Tea Ceremony in the 1920s. Garish Pinks, Avocado Greens, Sky Blues and Deep Purple oh it was horrible choice for something based on a 'refined and graceful ritualised ceremony".

I said to my colleagues I could do a better job at designing some of these collections esp making a better theme and colour choices for Tea Ceremony like muted Matcha Green, Cherry Blossom Pink and faded straw colour like Tatami mat.
I went home and created a mood board showed it to two of the women who both said that it was really good and I should do more, so at least having some creative ideas was better at passing the time staring out onto rainy streets through our open door way. I get easily bored at work is not doing something.

I have 6 running ideas, with 2 mentally working out (One I came up with last week). These mood/inspiration boards are just basically my own musings for my sake. Though it cropped up in conversation with Chris looking at my work so far.
He said they are better than the things his company gets sent on a professional level and that there is a company in Chester who does training in this kind of thing so maybe I could try out?

Well with the new idea I had last week as a theme,
Winter Lagoon Working title inspiration is from Iceland's Blue Lagoon/Landmannalaugar Mountains/Lopapeysa Knitwear Greenland's Ilulissat and National Costume.

Other themes I have are inspired from the Flora and Lilac-Breasted Rollers of South Africa + Autumn Tuscany Farm Kitchen + Modern Maiko inspired quick snaps of real Maikos on their mobile phones + Christmas/Winter in New York Though I have only been in February and Apirl not experienced myself other than tv shows but my college went there before xmas this year and confirmed my ideas of inspiration *woot*
Would love to do something with New Orleans ^_^

I think I could make a mini portfolio if I have to be interviewed and show ideas for an interview to train?
Be it I wear majority all plain black; others say I am Goth (traditional/basic?) I do what is comfortable, I doubt the first impression I make is someone who can be creative or have workable ideas :S
I know I am a fool with day dreams and silly thoughts.
Current Mood: worriedworried
Current Music: Roses are Burning - The Jade
04 January 2016 @ 19:59
Happy Belated New year

Reasons for delay is early appearance from twin Brother and his Wife on New years Eve then being picked up from work was another surprise visit from Chris :D

New Years Eve was just family affair of Roast dinner, Retro Sherry trifle (by me - gah ate too much D:), opening belated Christmas presents and a game of Exploding Kittens with Jool's Holland Hootenanny waiting for the countdown.

Prezzies from Nick and Mel
A Japanese Paper Balloon Fish
Exploding Kittens Card Game
Moomin Silk Scarf
Two TOLSBY Ikea Photo Frames for new House though may be useful for wedding (will repaint)
An Edward Scissorhands Comic Book
Icon and The Black Roses second Album

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It's been a year since Chris and me met face to face after speaking to one another on-line for a few months - we celebrated by going to the Japanese Bento Cafe we went to on our first meeting ;D
Then quick run home to my friend Holly's 30th Birthday party :3
And on the same evening my friend Beth got engaged yay!! finally! :D

New Year's Resolutions seems to be the main thing of to name and do right now - I think some of mine are the same as last years and the year before that lol
☆ Do not get any fatter at least if I cannot loose enough weight
☆ Save money or make money
☆ Stress less and no panic attacks or ticks
☆ be brave with the new home/world/life in Chester
☆ Finish chest tattoo
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: Dragula - Rob Zombie
29 December 2015 @ 21:01
Happy Belated Christmas too all!
Walked out of work today saying see them next year (as not back at work till Friday) seems weird to say that already!
It is official my last days are coming we have had a notice up talking applications for my job (well 2 so far) though think they said they are cutting my hours up for two people. Transfer is still up in the air though my deadline is February for them to get back to me, Chester store is planning a contract reshuffle and a lady on maternity leave who may not come back. Fingers crossed or another worry to find a whole new job too!

Reason for lateness was Chris came over :D
Total surprise as he told me he would be down this week so was expecting just mum and me for Christmas, he crept into the sweet shop whilst I was running it so eee :D

Our ChristmasCollapse )

This time of year is a weird limbo where all schedules are still out of whack and trying to remember what to wish Merry Christmas or Happy New Year.
Our sales have started at work and OMG people you are all vultures D: And half the kids that come in are brats esp 3 today which ended up in them screaming and tears as they hit each other - Good you little shits made a mess of our free hot drinks (sugar and coffee everywhere and used up all the cups!) and tried to draw over our playhouse.
Another kid insisted to try and ride her scooter around a packed shop full of people as well as elderly - thank you that her mother had sense to stop her most do not! They are a safety hazard esp to some of our customers need walking aids. Let alone me on bad fall and my hip will say good bye to the socket (kid tried to push me over on purpose for fun and their father laughed!! Bad parenting = bad child. Oh dad got a told his son's behaviour is not acceptable)

De-stress I am not back at work till Friday so dont have to put up with retards trying to return goods and ill-behaved children.

Because I am sad and some people may already know this, I am a HUGE fan of The Lion King since it was released in 1994. I even have a tattoo and a huge collection of merchandise (seriously this is how I am won over lol)
In my bullied and ostracised years I found a TLK RP board and joined in 1999, connected to that board was a fan art site which I joined in 2000. So of my own personal achievement I have been an active member there for 15 years! :O

Not the Disney style just mine you can see its evolution for 16 years. Just the Lines.

2000 vs 2015

Current Mood: dorkydorky
Current Music: La Bomba - Lord of The Lost